July 2021 Postmortem and August 2021 Goals

It’s already August 2021? How?

How did July pass so quickly when it was excruciating? Filled with apathy, self-doubt, malaise. I’ll chalk it up to pandemic fatigue, wallowing in the heartache of knowing that it’s probably going to be at least another year before I can see my family in person again. And the frustration that comes every time I see a PSA come on telling me to get vaccinated when I’m not eligible yet in Australia and likely won’t be for at least another month. The instability and uncertainty of these times is really starting to wear me down.

But I’m not writing this post to talk about that. I’m here to talk about whether I achieved my July goals or not and what my August goals are, so let’s dig in.

How About July?

July was rough, as I’ve already said, but I did manage to achieve some things, even if it wasn’t everything I wanted to get done.

Let’s start with what I did do: I got my finished short stories back out into the submission rotation. I’m not sure exactly how many times I submitted, but I got my submission count up to twelve stories out at one time and started getting some rejections back in, which can be a bit rough but at least it means I’m trying. It was good to get some writing momentum going again.

I was also going to try to get some critiques done on two separate long pieces for two separate pieces. I didn’t quite finish those critiques but I’m much closer than I was before and I made some really good progress. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to finish those critiques this week and move on to new projects.

As far as getting new things written, this is where I accomplished the least. I didn’t write any new rough drafts, but I did get a new story completely brainstormed and outlined, now I just need to commit to writing it. Easier said than done, sometimes.

I’m still struggling with achieving my non-writing goals. I did make further progress towards unpacking and making this house feel like our own. I unpacked more boxes, hung some of my art, cleared off the dining table which had hitherto been a staging ground for the things left behind by my husbands grandparents. There’s still work to be done, but I’ve made progress.

I socialized a little bit more, but I wasn’t quite as proactive as I’d like to be. My social anxiety has been really high and I simply haven’t had the energy to overcome it lately.

As for the job search, a managed to revise my resume a bit, but now I feel like I was using that process to procrastinate actually applying for work.

I’d say the biggest breakthrough I had during the month of July was at a therapy appointment I had towards the end of the month. My therapist pointed out that it seemed like I still haven’t fully come to terms with the fact that I’m here in Australia for the long-term, even though I thought I had. But he was right, even if it was subconsciously, I’ve been behaving like my being in Australia is still a temporary situation. It was an eye-opening observation and something I’ve been spending a lot of time meditating over. From here on out, I’m going to be more mindful of this deeply entrenched pattern of behavior and I’m going to work towards breaking free of it.

Moving on to August

The word I’ve been trying to keep at the forefront of my mind is “commitment.” I’ve always been extremely hesitant about making commitments, mostly out of fear about how things will end, be it relationships, friendships, jobs, social activities, or writing projects. Fear of commitment extends to all aspects of my life. In fact, right now the thing I’m probably most committed to is my relationship with my husband.

I want to face my fear and overcome it. I know it won’t be easy, but I’m, ironically, committed. The life I’ve been living these past eighteen months or more as gotten smaller and smaller and, yes, there are massive extenuating circumstances (hello pandemic), but I’m tired of excusing myself from my own goals and desires. I want to feel fulfilled and I haven’t been feeling that lately.

So what am I going to do?

The things that have always brought me the most fulfillment, outside of my family relationships, are my writing and my pets. I’ve been struggling with my writing and I don’t have any pets in Australia yet. So that’s going to change.

The past two years, I’ve challenged myself to submit short stories thirty times in thirty days during the month of September and this year, I plan to do the same. To that end, August will be preparation month. I’m going to hold off on submitting for the most part (there are a couple markets I want to submit to with deadlines in August, so they’ll be the exceptions). I’m going to bang out the rough drafts I’ve been avoiding writing, I’m going to revise the stories I’ve been avoiding revising so that I can be fully prepared for September. I’m making that commitment to my future self. And I’m not going to feel guilty for not working on a novel or querying because August and September are committed to short stories.

As for pets, now that we’ve moved into our new place, we can get a dog. Last weekend, we made our first trip to a dog shelter and this weekend, we’ll continue our search. By the end of August, I’m hopeful we’ll have a dog. Fingers crossed.

Another thing I’ve talked with my therapist about is my needing to have a reason to do things. I perhaps put a little too much value into needing my activities to be meaningful. I don’t like to do things if I don’t see the point. I’ve never been good at doing things just because I’m “supposed” to. And I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve been so resistant to my job hunt. I’m hunting for a job because I’m an adult and adults are supposed to have a job, but because I like for things to be meaningful I’ve been auto-rejecting a lot of the jobs I’m coming across because they don’t hold a greater meaning. I think that’s been a harmful approach.

The purpose in my getting a job isn’t to invest deeply into a new career. Writing is my career. The purpose is to get out of the house, to meet new people, to earn some extra money so I can spoil my future dog. The job itself doesn’t need to have a deeper purpose than that. I need to get over myself and stop coming at this job hunt from a place of entitlement. It’s just a job. I don’t need it to make me feel special.

I’m still not sure how to go about being more social. I’ve never been overly good at putting myself out there. I have a hard time engaging in small talk, but there are people I’ve met through book club and choir that I want to get to know better. I just don’t know how to go about doing that. I’ll ask my therapist rather than stewing in anxiety.

In order to give myself a better chance at achieving these goals, I’m going to establish a reward that I can only give myself once I’ve completed each item. This is a strategy that’s been incredibly effective for me in the past, especially in regards to writing projects. Now I just need to establish rewards for my non-writing goals. I’m not sure what those will be yet, but I’ll figure it out soon.

Yeah. So that’s that. I’m not overly sure about this post. It’s been a while since I’ve talked about such personal things, but if there’s one thing that I know about myself it’s that I need to share in order to grow.

So thank you for reading.