Growing up, I was always afraid of being seen as shallow. I was afraid of being judged for liking pretty things, for wanting to present myself in a certain way. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. And as a twelve-year-old girl, I desperately needed people to take me seriously. So I adopted a uniform of baggy sweatshirts and blue jeans, I only ever wore my hair in a ponytail or cut short. And I was bullied.
When I moved to a new school, I took the opportunity to remake myself. I decided to embrace my love of fashion, to use my obsession with What Not to Wear and give myself a wardrobe makeover. I traded my baggy sweats and jeans for sleek pencil skirts, cardigans, blazers, and pumps. Not exactly the typical look for a teenager, but it fulfilled my desperate need to be taken seriously and allowed me to exercise my underdeveloped style muscles.
I’ve developed those muscles in the decade since I decided to embrace my love of fashion, but I still feel that fear of being perceived as shallow. Every time I put together an outfit that I’m particularly proud of and think, “hey it’d be cool to Instagram this” I feel that stab of fear. Fear that people won’t be able to see past the superficiality fear that people will judge me as shallow.
And you know what? Some people will. And I need to accept that that isn’t my problem. The people who care about me will accept that I use clothes and make-up as a form of artistic expression and I don’t need to worry about the rest.
My New Years Resolution this year is to start expressing more of my genuine self online. I do a pretty good job of that through this blog, but I find that I mostly talk about serious things like writing and music and travel. Big things that make a big impact on my life. So, I’ve been trying to post about the little things on twitter. Little things like my love of caffeine and my dislike of avocados (yes, I know, the horror!). Maybe one of the little things I can do is share my pride for a well-put-together outfit.
Thank you for reading.
The expression on your face in that picture is fantastic! Mysterious? Yes. Self-confident? Yes! Where’s Waldo? Potentially!!!
Judgement? Nicki and I have no fixed residence, live on a boat half the year and an RV the rest, and I’m in my 6th “career”. The world generally doesn’t approve, but what does that prove? Nada.
Be true to self, says I. All other paths lead to an unlived life, and that’s truly tragic.
I’ve traveled around with your packable fashion sense and I trust you know I think you have one of the finest senses of personal fashion I’ve encountered. That said, I will mock you if the outfit at the top of this post isn’t “before.”